Thinking About Moving On

I've been here for 4 years...running this rescue/sanctuary for largely unwanted, unpopular animals. I am so tired. I've cried myself to sleep too many times; begged for volunteers; begged for donations; gone bankrupt; been homeless and watched over 100 animals die. I've done most of it myself for most of the time: the cage cleaning, the nursing care, the fundraising, the marketing and most recently kept up the social networking.

I am not at all tired of the animals, but am enormously tired of the people: the volunteers that are unhappy and put upon and don't show up but half the time and when they do want to talk and talk and talk; the donators who require much thanks for few dollars that just don't go far; the people who surrender the animals with their weak stories of self-pity; the people who adopt the animals with their upset over having to pay half the spay or neuter fee; the people who lean too heavily on me for help with things they could look up for themselves; and the heavy requirements of social networking. And I'm tired of me and my lists and need to please the people I'm around and my nervous need to chatter when there are people in my house.

Even the work with the animals is largely made work because of the opinions of others: you should do this, you should stop doing that.

I am an artist, a painter, a reader, a writer, a loner. People suck the life out of me. I have great difficulty with friendships unless they have heavy boundaries.

I have not done any art in 6 days. I can always tell you how long it's been. For me it is like going without food. So what is stopping me? People are always coming here and I have to get ready for them...volunteers, adopters, visitors. The board is not talking unless I'm there. I should be doing some fundraising, the bookkeeping, balancing the checkbook, paying the bills. It's time for the animal's twice daily meds, their dinner, their water bottles to be washed, the cages clean. I have an idea for business improvement that I need to act on immediately. And the studio is not set up for what I really want to do: paint.

I can hardly think of how I can mix the animals and art anymore. I am too obsessive. I need to do either thing completely. But I can't live without either. So I'm thinking about what to change. My vacation starts Sunday...vacation from board meetings, volunteers and visitors, but not from the rats. Oh, did I tell you they are rats?